yet again, another horrible day has went past.
another day of torture.
another day of crying.
i'm so sick.
i need to talk to someone.
someone to lend a listening ear to me.
someone to give me some advice but just don't go against my thinking.
at this point of time, i dont need anyone to go against me.
i need advice.
i need a ear.
these days, it's even hard to find all these.
sigh.
forget it.
fuck it.
Sweet loving escape.
11:39 PM
Saturday, March 27, 2004
i'm feeling down.
real down.
everything in me is building up in my small heart.
i won't be able to take it anymore.
it's terrible.
totally.
why do i have to go through this phase?
why?
why must i put on a smile in front of everyone?
why?
why must i wear a stupid fucking fake mask whenever i'm out?
why?
it's disgusting.
i hate my life.
i want new life.
i want new friends.
i want to disappear from this entire thing now.
i want to vanish into the thinnest air possible.
i want to bury myself somewhere.
can i?
can i do it?
i'm not sure.
i need to face humans everyday.
in school.
at home.
outside.
evil human side.
humans who never think about how i feel.
at all.
i must always think about how humans feel.
whether i hurt their feelings or not.
but do they do the same?
i doubt so.
this world is evil.
i hate this world.
totally.
no friends are out there.
no one is out there.
to lend me a helping hand.
and even if they do.
for a few seconds?
next thing i know, i have to think about how they feel again.
this is a fucking vicious cycle.
something i've gotten myself stuck to.
a fucking wrong mask i wore.
i can't change the mask can i?
humans will start complaining about everything.
about how i change
about how i became a two faced bitch.
i sick of this treatment.
i really am.
even you choose to ignore me at this point.
i've got no one left.
no one at all.
i shall die.
no one will know.
no one will notice.
forget it.
Sweet loving escape.
12:50 AM
Thursday, March 25, 2004
blah.
sometimes it's nice to know that your friend knows what she's doing.
sometimes it's bad to know that although your friend knows what she's doing but yet at the same time doing something that she shouldn't?
sigh.
how confusing can things get.
i need my little one.
by the way,
got back my report card.
and as i have said last month that i wanted to pass everything this month..
guess what!
I DID IT!
i'm so happy!!!
my little one sound happy too..
poh said she's happy for me too..
but i want my mother to know too..
i want her to be happy for me too..
am i really asking too much..
so many problems settling in the wrong time the wrong year.
what am i to do?
i'm sick of crying.
i hate coming home to this icy cold house.
no warmth no nothing.
it's disgusting.
i hate it.
friends are all i have left.
no, but they are all drifting.
on days like this, i have to be home all alone trying cheer myself up.
what bad life do i have?
to me? family is about mother, 1/2 brother, 'money tree cum rattling machine'.
thats all i have..
right now..
sigh.
i hate it.
i hate this family.
i hate this empty house.
i hate everything that is happening around me.
i'm drowning myself in my books to escape from everything.
but i really wonder how long can i escape?
i don't know..
as long as possible..
after Os, i'll bury myself in a job.
next bury in studies.
the cycle goes on.
i find the happiness in friends.
but i found the bitchiness in friends too.
sigh.
what is all these.
why am i going through all these all alone.
my true friends who would never betray me is my com, tv, bed, all the none living things.
i can't gurantee for human.
not abit.
Sweet loving escape.
3:06 PM
hello.
the favourite blogger is back.
school has been lousy as usual.
nothing new.
dance dance dance.
i think my attendance for guides is like going crazy.
i think i'm srcewed.
blah.
going for guides tommorrow and leaving early*again*to go for dance.
test and more test.
late nights and more of them.
my little one have been keeping me company with me all these while.
thank you.
what happened to all my friends?
drifted.
is it just me or what.
sigh.
met up with clay yesterday.
bitching about some people.
fun.
thinking back about taka days.
so funny.
all the little yet fruitful things we do.
you must be thinking how fruitful is it huh?
no one will ever know the amount of experience i gain there.
have a touch of society there.
i can never see it in school.
saw the two or even three sides of human.
anyway, i miss all those times.
but i'm glad i went through it at that time.
i woke up early and i learnt early.
glad to meet all those people.
whether i liked them or not.
i learned things.
i really wonder what's wrong with the generation now.
all those people wasting their time out there doing nothing.
gaining nothing.
sigh.
what can i do?
mind my own business.
i feel that the day where i bother about myself and only myself is about to come.
real soon.
so to all those people out there.
dont ever say i'm selfish.
i did my best to help you all when i have the time.
now time is running out.
i can't afford the time for you and wont have the time for myself.
i need to bother about my own interest too.
every girl is for herself.
sorry.
Sweet loving escape.
9:57 AM
Monday, March 22, 2004
blah.
first day of school now.
back to studying.
back to dance.
back to guides.
sigh.
how bored just tell me how bored can i get from all these studying?
the homework is enough to kill me.
i just had to study somemore on my own.
blah.
i'm not exactly coping very well with english.
help.
i need help.
i need physics help too.
i'm not getting it.
not at all.
i'll just fail Os.
just fail everything and screw up my entire life.
Sweet loving escape.
5:57 PM
Thursday, March 18, 2004
my gosh..
i'm talking to my sister now..
i miss her so much..
sigh..
the type of torned up feeling inside.
no words can ever describe it.
Sweet loving escape.
2:19 PM
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
blah.
i've been home for 3 days and i haven't been studying.
gosh.
this house is just too comfy for me.
how can i ever study.
with all these entertainment here?
went to the gym yesterday and i didn't workout.
just in the super lazy mood.
shit.
i need to study!
someone please save me.
i need to sit down and do my work.
:(
Sweet loving escape.
3:14 PM
Sunday, March 14, 2004
gosh gosh gosh!
(i went back on my words by the way)
i went to SOS!
nice and BIG BIG and i mean BIG place.
100 times of monks.
but in the end we went to some shanghai shally..
they said it used to be part of SOS.
then don't know why seperated.
blah.
in the end amy our 'tour guide' for the night,
wanted to go back to monks.
blah.
went back.
then after that gone home. blah.
stayed home the entire sat.
didn't even touch my books?
gosh.
here i am on a sunday,
hopefully i'll be able to do my work.
Sweet loving escape.
1:12 PM
Thursday, March 11, 2004
in school right now, bored as usual.
wanted to study but ended up using the com.
shit.
am going to watch movie today i think.
was supposed to.
then was also planned that i was going to don't know how what.
something about seeing my name blah.
sigh, can't wait.
it's been long seen i enjoy.
clay asked me to go SOS tomorrow.
i don't think i would be going.
promised myself not to go clubbing.
moreover, i doubt my mother would be much happy.
sorry.
so it's ok, we'll go chill with you all in town or something before that,
then when you all set off to SOS, i'll go home or something.
blah.
feel like a god damn nerd these few days.
but even if i become a nerd, i think it's for my own good.
ya?
hope so.
pray hard for the easiest paper during Os.
hope i do well..
Sweet loving escape.
10:06 AM
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
so many things happened recently.
so upset over things.
i never could handle all these stuff well.
why stuff me with these problems.
studying and grades are what i'm bothering about now.
nothing else.
next week would be the holidays.
i'll try to study next week almost everyday.
eh?
but wait.
there's guides camp isn't there.
sighh..
never mind, i'll try for the rest of the week..
no clubbing i guess..
i really do want to go,
but.. no no.. i can't
:(
Sweet loving escape.
5:44 PM
Saturday, March 06, 2004
gosh.
everything is getting into me.
i actually thought it was sunday today?
whats wrong with me!
have to go down to westmall tomorrow to pass them some cheerleading clothes.
so have to be down around 11?
sigh sigh..
no life..
haven't read up on history yet.
dead.
Sweet loving escape.
11:53 PM
Friday, March 05, 2004
school baby school baby school baby.
what sad life have i got?
sigh..
had some stupid maths test that i cant complete?
what the fuck.
for god's sake. please spare me from test.
just one week and i'm happy.
finally, it's friday.
didn't go for guides.
my nose is giving me some problem.
my baby is sound asleep.
so i'm all bored at home.
there's fucking virus in my com.
i've got no idea how to clear it..
-screams-
Sweet loving escape.
3:15 PM
THE ONE
deborah
bisexual
turning 20 on 17th Decemeber Ngee Ann Polytechnic School of Film and Media Studies myspace. ::
friendster.::
