I had to make an agreement with my mother in order to get the labtop. ): She said I had to quit smoking. Yes, she paid for the downpayment. But still? She said the moment she finds any cig with me or on me, she'll take the labtop away. ): I don't wish to get sick now at this point of time. Yes. I know she's doing it for my own good. ): She's complaining about me going clubbing and everything. I haven't told her about thursday. I'm pretty scared. I've more or less planned what to wear on Thursday. I'll be demure that night. Haha. Simply because I'm going to work that day. I walked to SPC just now to get the following: 1 loaf of bread, 1 nutella, 1 box of ritz that comprises of 3 tubes of ritz biscuit. I came home and I took a dvd in hand, my cup filled with ice and a 1.5 litres of green tea and brought all these into my room. I set up a chair beside me and put the essentials (nutella, the loaf of bread and a spreader) on it. I laid down in bed and set up my dvd. Switched on the table light and started speading the bread. Halfway through the show, I got up and took the bottle of nutella and a tube of ritz and laid back down. I started dipping the biscuit in and ate. I am indulging in the most fattening and guilty supper/snack of my life. I'm leading a life of a pig. (: Blissful though. I'm currently bored at home. Finished the last stick of my pack, I've decided to switch off all lights and head to my dreamland.
I yearn for love, care, attention and happiness.
Sweet loving escape.
3:41 AM
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
You're so near yet so far. My dear Powerbook. (: Haha. I'm getting a powerbook!!! WOOHOO!!!! Please let me faint now! WOOHOO! (: I think my mother's going to kill me soon. I haven't told her about clubbing on Thursday. I think she will surely kill me. She'll go crazy and mad all over. Maybe I should come home early tonight and wed's night. Maybe maybe. But what can I do at home? It's so boring! UGH. I have to trade huh? Sigh.
Sweet loving escape.
4:15 PM
Monday, March 27, 2006
I just came back from overnight emily rose at BJ's house. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. Haha. I think I've grown up. WOOHOO! Haha! I bought chips and as usual did not finish it. But what was unusual was that I did not even open it! Haha. Which was good. I think I'm putting on blardy weight. I was happy for a moment when I felt like I was losing some weight at least and now? Omg. I think I should go into some crash diet or something. Haha. But all those good food. Omg. Hahaha. My thoughts after reading my tags: Guys are one of the worst worse worse worse worst species on this planet. It is not good that I'm having such thoughts in my mind. Maybe I should consider having boyfriends only at a later age when they have became more matured. When what they are looking for (besides sex) fits mine. Perhaps this would be a better planning. (: I decided to bounce into all the guys' blogs today. Many can't be bothered to update for ten million years. One particular one that struck my cord was Daryl's. His lastest entry on some shoes. Honestly, I thought it was just some shoe craze of his. No. It's about him being pressurized by his current girlfriend's ex boyfriend who lasted for 4 years. His entry trigered a whole lot of shit into my head. Should anyone be feeling pressured by his/hers current boy/girlfriend's previous relationship? I feel no. Up till now, I'm still deciding between guys and girls. Though I know the sex life would be of a huge change, I know that I'm not looking for sex eventually. Yes. sex does play a part but I look more of the heart. (: Should my next partner, be it a girl or guy, have a huge interesting past relationship, I would be happy. Knowing that he/she would already have experience with girls, I would be the happiest girl on earth. Seriously? To be honest, I would really like my partner to have exciting adventure in his/her past relationship. That way, he/she would be able to treasure me more. (: I don't think I'm day dreaming here. Which girl wouldn't like to be pampered by her partner? But there are many girls who dream of being pampered yet did not have their dreams come true. I'm talking about straight relationships here. There are also many girls who dream so much that even if their boyfriend doesn't pamper her, the moment he treats her slightly nicer, she will be over the moon. At that moment, she will forget entirely about past ill treatment. So many girls wishes that their guy would change their temper for them. They withstand all the pain and hurt that GUYS gave them just in hope for that. When I think of it, I'll just hope they will find the right one soon. One of the WORST batch of this species is those that broke up with their current girlfriend because they either fallen for another or have another relationship. I do admit that girls do this too but tendency of guys doing it is higher. Tendency of guys giving a girl up because she ain't a good sex partner is also higher. Should I ever meet up with such guys will be 'blessed' with my 'blessings'. Enough said for this morning. I think this entry is mainly directed to guys. I'm sure if there's any guy reading my blog, they will be saying things like "No? Girl are the one who does all these shit", etc. I'm standing from a female's point of view and I've seen straight friends getting hurt. I've also seen friends playing with others. I admit there are females out there playing around with male's feelings. Give it a thought, how long does it take for a male to forget or rather put aside his pain and continue his happy go lucky life? On the other hand, how long does it take for a female to forget or put aside her pain and continue her life? There maybe 2 out of 10 guys who will take long, but there might be 6-7 out of 10 girls who will take long. Female put their heart and soul out in a relationship, guys put out their dick. I believed that there will only be one, or if you're lucky, two guys in your life that will share and understand you. So here I lay, waiting for this one to come by. In the meantime, I have to search around. Perhaps some good soul will touch my heart and once again, my heart's out to bare all the hurt and pain I might get. This is afterall parts and parcels of life. Like it or not, life goes on. Shit happens everyday.
Sweet loving escape.
11:00 AM
Sunday, March 26, 2006
I've been lazy to blog. I've been messing up my thoughts. Everyday's spent with toa payoh people. I found out about KH. No. No more hope and chance. My life's been boring recently. I think I'm looking for an impossibility. ): Do guys really only look for sex? Is that all they want? People, tag on my board to reply my question. oh! I got my results. Not fantastic. There's improvement though. Overall improvement. I hope I can continue to improve next sem. I'm going back to Ngee Ann to view the notebook fair. Checking out Mac labtop. Planning to get in. I really hope and feel that I'll get into animation. I mean afterall my CG got better than sound. Hahah. They would have the right mind to put me in animation right? (: Clubbing on Thursday again. (: I think my mother is going to go crazy soon. I have been going clubbing every week. No wonder my cash is running out. Hahaha. I don't care. I want to club till I drop. It's not everyday I'm single and having holidays. (:
Sweet loving escape.
2:24 AM
Thursday, March 23, 2006
I woke up this afternoon thinking about kh. I missed him. ): The date was a failure. It seemed like a rushed through dinner accompanied by a lousy show. After the show we headed off to meet our friends. We seperated. Is KH like any other guys any one can meet at a club? He's fun to talk to. It's not like I've been loyal to him. Haha. Mos last night. LOADS of messy things happened. Good or bad. I saw E there. Danced with him and blah. He's more advanced than KH. But I miss KH. E's out of the question. KH I'm still finding out. I feel like I've walked back to how I was behaving last time. Just that now, I'm more bold. Doing it with guys, at a club. Yes. Clubbing is clubbing. That is a clubbing life. But is that my life?
I want to see you again.
Sweet loving escape.
5:38 PM
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
i just want to go crazy now.
Sweet loving escape.
1:07 AM
i just want to go crazy now.
Sweet loving escape.
1:07 AM
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Finally, a day home to rest and charge my energy. (:
Went MOS on Thurday. The music was good the people who came with us was nice. Had fun. I was there with clay, poh, win, dp, ty, bj, kayne, eddie, terence, hazel, baojun, dp's friend no.1, no.2. Haha. I'm obviously dumb at names. Haha. Saw KH there. No, KH is not someone whom I met at a club, liked at a club, went crazy at a club for. I knew him back in sem 1, crushed him before. Ever dearest bj's friend. She helped me alot. Thanks a million bj. Haha. Anyway, yup! I just had so much fun on Thurday. (: Friday was such a DRAG! I had to pull myself up to open the shop. Opening the shop is ok. Tending the shop is another. My gosh. I left work at around 3 plus and headed down to KO at bj's house. But as usual, I ended up looking for KH on friendster and went crazy all over again. Haha! Let's just say KH will be the hot topic for a while. Met up with the toa payoh people with new addition of dp and poh. (: Talked and chat till 4 I think. By the time I'm home and everything it was 5. By the time I fell asleep it should be 5.30. Haha. SURPRISINGLY, I woke up before 4 today! Haha. I'm hungry. I want to eat, but the food at home isn't nice. ): I want to see KH. I just want to see you now. No, I don't want to get together with you. I want to know you as a friend and then see a possibility of a relationship. No, I'm not thinking too far. He is afterall my crush. It's normal. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Sweet loving escape.
5:08 PM
AH!
AH!
AH!
AH!
AH!
I want to faint right at this moment. I'm dead tired. Yet I'm thinking. All about you. Just everything about you. I've got a new addition, KH. Removing a old inital, C. Haha. Like voicemail like that. Hahahahahahaha!
I MISS YOU KH!!!!
ps. more updates when my mood is more calm.
Sweet loving escape.
5:34 AM
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I just came home from a powerful day. (: I slept for 2 hours this morning before heading down to school for guides.I stayed there till I don't know when. Then I headed home because the weather is so fucking hot. I went home to bathe and headed out to town to meet clay and co. It has been 10 million years since I last met them. Weeha. We had a HARD time (and I mean HARD) deciding what we want to have for dinner. We ended up in the foodcourt. We caught Shaggy Dog after that and I headed back to TP to meet bj. She wanted the stupid sun tanning oil from me. I had to go all the way to central to meet her and walk home with cal(and bj). I came up to take the oil then went down for a couple sticks before coming up. My day is packed today. I suppose tomorrow wouldn't be much better. I'll be going back to school for guides. Haha. I sound like I'm still in Sec school. I'm getting a natural tan from structure. I'm surprised that I can still remember the knots! Haha. I think I will need to sleep soon. So that I can have energy for MOS on Thursday! ((: I can't wait. I so can't wait.
Sweet loving escape.
1:22 AM
Monday, March 13, 2006
i'm supposed to get ready for work soon. in about 5 mins. so during this 5 mins i'm going to blog. haha. a nice intro huh? anyway, thanks rei for chatting with me last night. last night, when i was about to watch a vcd, i switched off my lights and i just started crying. yet again, i could not control. the pain, the ache, the anger as well as the unjust feeling rushed in all at once. No, not a very good feeling to be feeling. i could not sleep till 6 plus. yet again. my sleep went cranky again. million thanks to the toa payoh people for the night companions. thanks to poh yee last night too. thanks to whoever kept me company for which ever night. thanks. I don't ever want to feel lonely. the wound was healing yet someone came to slash it once again. yet again, the wound is fresh. no. i will not allow any external hurt to come in anymore. i spent the night scolding you. i was angry, i'm sorry. although up till now, i still hope my scoldings will come true. because up till now i'm still angry. my gosh. it's so tiring to censor out things in my blog. screw censorship.
Sweet loving escape.
4:26 PM
i'm in the worst mood ever. I want to write so many things but yet I can't. Knowing that some fucking bitch/bastard will come tell others regarding my posts. UGH! fuck.
Sweet loving escape.
2:33 AM
Saturday, March 11, 2006
I'm beginning to suspect whether i'm just trying to appear strong in front of people. I saw something that caused me to cry. I haven't cried for long. Yet, I cried again. For the same related reason, same related person, same related things done. Though this time I did not cry badly, I still did cry. Unable to control my tears, they just flow. No one to talk to. No one to turn to. I wanted to turn to someone in particular. No, I could not find him. He's out I supposed. I wanted a companion. Someone for me to feel happy for. Someone for me to talk to. Someone for me to lean on when I'm feeling down. That someone could not be found. That someone went missing. My previous posts were happy. Suddenly, a crisis hit. I'm down yet again. Please someone come cheer up me. Someone to mend the crack, the hole, the depression in my heart. When will that someone come by. When. May I ask? When.
Sweet loving escape.
10:47 PM
Sunday, March 05, 2006
I just came home from a session with JH. No. Not sex. Went to eat, chat. (: He rode his bicycle and let me hitch a ride cycle with him. I felt comfortable. No extra heartbeat. Just very comfortable. Sitting there listening to him talk. I don't mind staying awake listening to all his stories. He's a fast rider. I sat on his bike smelling his cologne. I just felt very comfortable. He walked his dogs and his dog sat beside me. He chatted with me and went home to put his dogs down. He called me with his house phone to talk to me for a while. Before he came with his dogs, I sat at my house void deck listening to songs feeling emo. He came by and we chatted. He's not attached anymore. I'm just feeling normal when I heard that news. He called me to ask me out for supper. I mean, why not? Haha. So we went to look for food for his father and we ate our food when we could not buy food for his father. We chatted till now at the multi storey carpark. He rode down the slope. I was happy.
I'm happy to know you. (:
Sweet loving escape.
4:04 AM
Saturday, March 04, 2006
I stayed home for the whole day today. I watched the VCD. I missed my labtop and I'm not used to my PC's keyboard. ): I told my mother about getting a Mac labtop. I got scolded. ): Sigh. Things don't seem smooth right now. I want to go down to listen to my ipod and smoke a few sticks. Having all peace and quiet on my own. But would I be sub conciously wanting to see JH? No idea. It's saturaday today. I don't think he will be walking his dogs. BJ and co. I don't want to call them to bother them. I miss my labtop. My brother took it. There goes Photoshop and enjoyment in bed watching VCD. I've booked the chalet. I'm officially broke at the beginning of the month. Haha. How smart huh? My mother complained about how I spend money today. Saying how I always spend so much money. I knew mentioning about getting a Mac labtop would get me into such shit. ): Sigh. She updated my bankbook and she asked about the 70 bucks. ): I want this month to get over asap. I just remembered that I'm supposed to be going to Zouk on the 18th. Fuck. No money how to go. ))))):
I really want to see you.
Sweet loving escape.
9:03 PM
I went crazy thinking about you. again. (:
Sweet loving escape.
3:24 AM
Friday, March 03, 2006
I'm proud to be a chinese.
I have a whole list of chinese songs in my Ipod.
I feel the pain and sadness in the songs.
Though I'm not able to really catch the words right now, I can feel the song.
The beauty of music.
Chinese musics cater to people who wants love and needs love and continue to dwell them in sadness.
English songs cater to people who are players or single. They make people happy.
Well, at least the songs I hear most often.
I got my pay today. PATHETIC! Haha. I had LESS than $200. I'm a poor girl. Booking chalet soon. I keep coming home late. I need to book before 1am. ): I keep coming online after 1am. I really want to go for chalet and laugh my head off. There are plans of suntanning on sunday with toapayoh people. There are also signs that plans might be cancelled. ): I need the sun.
Ok, I think I'm contradicting. My previous post is complaining about blardy weather and yet this entry I want to go tanning. Haha.
Ok ok, I'm not contradicting. I don't like humid weathers but I like the sun? Haha.
Fuck. I'm not making sense. I'm off.
Sweet loving escape.
1:27 AM
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Internet explorer is slow.
I woke up at 10 plus to rush to school. ): I board the cab at 11. CG starts at 11. Haha. Before I turned into the expressway, I said" Uncle, Bishan Street 22" Haha. I didn't go to school in the end. Oh well. I slacked at my boring workplace for 10 hours today. Again another 10 hours tomorrow. Yet again another 10 hours the day after. I have to do the opening. ): BORING!!!! I'm bringing my labtop there as well as VCDs. Haha. The blardy weather is so freaking humid these days. I will die at the shop. I wore jeans on Monday to work. I melted there. Haha. Half my body liquid was evaporated. Haha. I haven't been thinking of him recently. Instead, I thought of someone else. (ladies and gentleman, introducing a new initials.... JH!!) Haha. I'm not happy thinking about him though. He's got a girlfriend. Thought of the old him too. I'm happy with my life though it's boring. I still wants to know C. I really do. Regarding E, it's just a one day thing. Haha. I have to keep myself entertained with such things during the hols.
One of the maids at work asked "How? How's you and your boyfriend?"
Me "Huh? Oh. No more already."
She "HUH? That one? Sitting here that time?? *pointed at the seat"
Me "Haha. Ya. No more already."
She "Why? What happened man!"
Me "[thinking- wah. so HIP! haha!] no la. I also don't know. Ask him."
She "Haha. Then now who?"
Me "Now? No need la. Now holidays."
She laughed. I thought what was so amusing? I thought it was a sad thing that it is the holidays now. Holidays meaning I can't scan around for better people. Rather than getting myself stuck from home and work.
Oh! We're planning a class chalet. It all started with Jia and I complaining of our pathetic lives. Wondering why there was no social parties around in Singapore. At least not as opened and often. So we came to a conclusion of having a chalet for our class and asking our classmates to bring along their friends. My hope clings onto fredy. Stupid guy said he is not sure. Idiot. Haha. Oh well. All I do is to hope. Which most of the time doesn't come true. Haha.
I'm busy enjoying being single.
Like real.
Sweet loving escape.
10:40 PM
THE ONE
deborah
bisexual
turning 20 on 17th Decemeber Ngee Ann Polytechnic School of Film and Media Studies myspace. ::
friendster.::
